There's a time and a place for a good strong drink, and a bar tender that's your therapist. Last night wasn't exactly like that but it was close enough.
It only took two long island ice teas on an empty stomach for everything to come out in neatly ordered paragraphs. Maybe not that neat. And maybe long lines of sentences with bad punctutation rather than paragraphs, but I got stuff out. Cathartic.
I have been very affected by Dkw's death. He was a role model, a colleague, a friend. He personified everything I respected in a professional and a good bloke. He was a gentleman. And he is one of these rare people on earth that are quite simply, irreplaceable. That is a very powerful word to use, and it has been used numerous times since he died. It is the only word that is apt.
But I had been feeling "weird" about my grief. Like someone was invisibly assessing me and saying my grief was out of proportion to how he felt about me, that you needed to be on someone's Christmas card list to mourn them, or some perverse scoring schedule of intimacy. But I realise no one is going to do that. Because everyone who knows him, knows the kind of person he is, knows the way he works, knows the way that people can be affected. No one is going to turn around at his funeral and say "you shouldn't be here". They know him; they know why I am there.
I managed to get all of that out without crying. And I think it will help.
I also think I am ok to Blog again, so here's a mega post to make up for the last week:NEW CHARACTERS:
We're joined in Helsinki by GroovyChick, fresh from Tokyo. She's Uma's new partner in crime, uber cool and quickly became part of the "we've known each other ten minutes but we're strangers in Helsinki so lets exchange life stories" posse. GroovyChick and I took Uma shopping - something she was very nervous about. Uma is stunning, she just doesn't realise it. She has model-like facial structure, a classic natural beauty and lips that could kill a man at 100 paces. So GroovyChick and I, in the absence of those features ourselves (of course we have our own beautiful features!!) are determined to dress her up for a night on the town to celebrate her birthday. Yesterday's shopping was exhausting. But it was mindless and fun, with people I care about and who gave me carte blanche to cry when I needed to (I arrived for shopping looking like one of those gargoyles above Oxford buildings). I didn't need to cry, I had loads of fun even though I hate shopping and my feet hurt. Shopping for others is great.HEARTS IN THE MARGINS:
If I was sixteen, I'd have a diary and draw hearts in the margins. But I'm not, I'm "thirty.. ? lets leave it at that" (as someone put it!) and I blog for all the world to read. Lets just say I like someone. They like me. There's not a lot either of us can do, we're separated by oceans, mobile phone technology and a whole lot of other complicated stuff. But it's nice to know. And I recently reckoned that I am a tamagochi and just need a tamagochi lover, someone to send via SMS the right thoughts and words, to let me know that they are thinking of me, that I am special, and if I ever needed them, they'd be there. Glow.REALISATION OF STUFF
: When someone says "I am there for you", it means nothing. When they are simply there for you it means a lot.
I've had someone say those words an awful lot. But they are not. I've got friends like Benjamin and Caroline who've never really used that phrase, but they are. They let me come over amidst their Sunday morning laundry, I let their pets crawl on me, they cook me great food, I cook them stuff. I know they are there because they always have been, on line, on Blog, on SMS and in person. The Prophet's words on Friendship are for them, and before I leave I want to make sure they know that, other than by reading this Blog.Two
: Having children is no excuse.
I have a friend dating someone with a child. A lot more responsibility and communication is needed before the relationship starts, but it is of course doable.
I have friends with wives and children. They have said there is nothing they wouldn't do for a friend in need, even when with their wives and children.
Children are children. Through them you can show your responsibility. They are not ways to avoid other responsibilities.JAPAN
Will they or won't they. There is much umming and ahhing over whether or not I am worth the overpriced airline ticket that is being charged by their travel agent. I leave in less than 2 weeks. Personally I could get there for 900 euro but they can only price it at three times that amount... I'll leave it up to fate if I stay here for an extra month...CONCLUSION, FINALLY
I'm really quite happy here. As Terhi said last night, "you can't leave, you have all sorts of cups and kitchen things."