Entitled ramblings

I slept badly, it goes without saying. I am looking forward to the closest thing I have to call home, and possibly a good night's sleep.

That familiar waking, "was last night real?" Feeling the puffiness of face, eyes, heart.

This morning, striding towards town, angry even, hearing the Violent Femmes in my head, a marching tune.

My feelings are a mess.

I don't like to give up. This was giving up. I may not do things right, but I give my all, and I gave my all. I have nothing left to give. I think, "what could I have done better?" I think "what was the message I sent, the words that were wrong, to make it change in just one day?". I wonder where Juhannus and that honesty went? It's draining to give someone so much. They should not be allowed to take it and not give it back.

In my head, I know the answers. So that makes me stupid for going along with the charade. It makes me insecure and weak and unable to take control.

I believe in trust. I believe in love. Tell me a lie, any lie, and I will believe you.

On request, I gave a map to the sorest weakest parts of me, and it was used against me. I gave my dreams. They dissolve in the puddles of last night's rain.

It has been more then ten years since I have a relationship that doesn't intertwine lives. There is nothing to move out, move in, nothing to share and split. The Irishman can slip out as easily as he slipped in. There are no collected movie tickets, photos, cards, letters, nothing that proves it was ever real.

Was it ever?