Reality checks

Last night, a big reality check.

I will not come back to Finland single. I know that sounds very weak and very needy, but I won't.

This is a nice enough place, and I love the friends I have made here, but this is not the place for someone who arrived here with the anticipation of settling down, station wagons, picket fences, kids, marriage, the works! If I am going to have to be single (which fate seems pretty damn keen on) then I want to be somewhere where men flirt, where dating is acceptable, where doors are opened, where France is a short distance away, where I can connect to hundreds of exotic locations at my local airport (Archangel does not count).

I said recently that I could take the Finn back. That I hoped with time an explanation would be forthcoming and, as I don't have children yet, I would listen to him, as perhaps having children makes such a difference to you, that things happened that I can't understand. But then I thought, "bollocks to that". Having a child doesn't give you a license to hurt people, to have less responsibilities in the rest of your life, to only justify any actions with "I'm a father". Quite simply and bluntly, if being a dad isn't enough excuse to not have an affair in the first place, then it's not an acceptable excuse to walk out on people.

Besides, no explanation will ever be forthcoming. I shouted and screamed at the Finn the night he walked out, that I would move on, I would love, I would do, but ten years on, he would still have the look of a victim on his face, and he still wouldn't be taking control of his life. Nearly six months since he left me and I feel this statement could still hold.

So with yesterday's message from the Finn saying he would like to say goodbye but can't because he is too busy, I realise nothing had changed. He hadn't checked any dates with me, so there really wasn't an effort. If you're worth nothing to someone, not worth a goodbye, then it's time to let them go from your life, forever.

Thinking of explanations and reasons, I started wondering last night "why". Why have the last two men in my life walked out without explanation. I think the Irishman is trying to find one, for himself at least, but I've decided I want to know now too. Why would two people think it would be okay to leave someone alone, without explanation, knowing their vulnerability, leaving finances to shoulder, without discussion, without effort, without a chance? Why, I thought, is it okay to hurt me? My only answer is that they didn't respect me. And then I started the big chain of men who hadn't respected me from the dawn of time. This really isn't a good thing to start doing but before I had really got into that head-flipping montage, I realised I was at the bus stop, fleeing the house, amongst the polite drunks of Maunula (they speak English) and crying my eyes out. I think the drunks, bless them, respected me more.

I sent messages to Kebab Mafia asking for a male perspective on what I needed to do to get a man's respect. I am not sure if I understand the answers. I'd like to think it's a little more complex than 160 characters on an LCD screen can convey.

I guess respect would also justify why weird blokes come onto me in inappropriate ways which has happened a bit lately.

I don't dress too bad, I don't flirt too bad, but it seems like my recent desire to become an Italian nun might instill some respect gaining qualities that I obviously need.