Egg on Face - Self Exploration or quite simply SCAB.

You know, every now and then, we all get a little too big for boots, lose a sense of perspective and get a bit full of ourselves? I did. Do I get points off for admitting it?

Last night in an act of surrealism, the Irishman revisited. Yep - same Irishman of moaning post some days ago. Same Irishman of "I'll not contact him again". (He did, so I'm not totally weak).

He was touchingly concerned about how I felt post-funeral and willing to help out with my laundry and other less savoury domestic tasks. It was a simple, relaxed bliss we'd not shared for months.

And so I asked him: "Why?".

And he answered.

I admire and respect him for his honesty.

But f*ck it hurt....

For every time I saw him as immature, he saw me as condescending. Think about that Rowena... It seems my problem with the age / experience difference was not so well hidden.

I wondered why he didn't talk to me; would you open up to someone who made you feel three apples tall?

I was also described as a mixture of smothering and suffocating. I'm not going to touch this one as I truly believe that I am at my best an independent woman. I state what I want up front and then expect to go with it. I don't care if someone comes home, goes out, does something or not but I just want to be kept informed. I'm used to really considerate relationships of any kind, my friends tell me when they're ten minutes late; I do the same in a relationship... I am genuinely interested in people, what they are doing and what interests them; if they say they like a book, I might buy it for them if I see it. I have been told by another man that it was a bit pressuring. In that sense, the guy just isn't right for me. If people are in my life, I think of them a lot. As I said to Kati "every time I see bad translation, I think of you" - it's why she gets chopstick instruction and other strange mementoes from my day. Okay it's a little nauseating, but the intention is good.

The next of my sins; well I feel like I should be on Post Secret with this one. I have never been faithful in a relationship. The Irishman and I were going to be apart for four months. Doesn't bode well. Ironically, I had in the Irishman, someone I wanted to be faithful too. That doesn't matter now...

So... now for me to learn something about that. I can't prove fidelity without being in a relationship. I can learn to not judge people on their age and accept them for who they are, not their birth date. I can step off my high horse just because I seem to be the only one of my friends who is 30. I'll probably still be seen as a smotherer by some... I like the good that comes with the bad of that interpretation; so I'm not going to address that one for now.

Some of my girlfriends might think it doesn't matter that he felt these things. But it does to me. I lost someone I love because of that. So it's time to learn...

Last night, the Irishman and I talked about our previous talks about the Future. We had some. And we both could still see it. It sucks when something as stupid as your own personality weaknesses can stop something great from happening.

Enough contemplattion, there's a party to be had and I need to temporarily wipe the egg off my face.

FYI SCAB stands for" Smothering, Condescending, Adulterous, Bitchy". Thanks to the Irishman for making me SCABBY - "But Yummy".