Tears in Hel

I can't believe I saw my last Finnish sunset for five months. I can't believe it's going to be five months. I only just realised this. It will not be five months. Kati, can I please sleep on your floor between December 7th and 20th, there is no way I can keep away from everyone that long. Will anyone remember me after five months (Yes Ahmet, I know you said you will when we took seven attempts and many fingers to count out five months).

Yesterday when Uma left the flat I cried. Today I watched her tram leave. She saw me jumping up and down waving at her but really I was feeling lousy. I'm sorry for leaving. I feel like a desserter. Or is that deserter?

It's really strange for me to have female friends that I can relate to and now I have two and I am leaving. I am sure I will come back and they will have turned into the curse of curses, normal women, and they will like lipstick and stuff that's not me. I will email you both bitchisms every day so you don't!

I said goodbye to the Irishman the other night. That was weird and very sad. It was also alongside Amarillo, whose roof we know very well. I'm glad there was a smile in all that awkward farewelling. He is also returning to Hel. I'm not going to think about it. I'll let fate deal every card.

I ate Hesburger for my last meal. I rode my bike to the post office. I took a ticket from the queue counter. I feel Finnish. I can see myself stubbornly telling people in Australia that I am, and not speaking Australian properly. Five months, five months. What if Finland doesn't like me when I get back.. ?