Goodbyes

Strangely my journal has no scribbles for this difficult day.

H is aloof and absent.

Storms break over Uchisar. I watch them come in across the valley and plains and shatter above my head, above the Kale. Moments before I reach Restaurant 96, wind howls and forces everyone to gather kilims and shut doors. Lutfi rescues me and we watch from Piegon Valley as the rain falls, and the sky colours grey like my heart.

H has done this before. He has perfected the farewell. The stones of Uchisar are nothing compared to his own defences. He visits for half an hour. Half an hour of lovely lovely time. And then tout d'un coup... "je pars" and I can't believe he is leaving before me...

He says his goodbye when he is ready, when his moment is perfect and walks away that much easier. Unprepared, I watch him walk down Derebag Sokak and my tears are fat and heavy like the rain, my breath shaky and pathetic against the thunder. How do you thank someone from nursing you without demand, for caring without request. How can your school girl French, your phrase book Turkish ever say enough.

It can't and the words choke in my throat.

Au revoir, until I see you again.

Lutfi lets go differently. Reluctantly, he checks my seat on the bus, he checks the driver and conductor know who I am. He stands watching as the bus pulls away. I am out of tears but I feel his rise.

Only sleep saves me from sadness.