I can't think of a title

I've just come back from dinner; my knees are aching from sitting in a million different positions at a traditional Japanese low table. The boys have kept going, drinking rice wine, but I escorted Alba home. We both spent a long time at reception insisting the hotel had our keys, which were in our bags the whole time. Stupid gaijins.

I feel quite mixed right now. Here's why:

ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE
Work is going well. It's the calm before the storm but it's soo soo calm. Last year we had not slept at this stage, sure we were going out a bit more, but we were also not leaving the office on the good side of one am. I guess the first year of an event is hard and now people know what they are doing... We know tomorrow will be tough and are bracing ourselves. There has been some mention of diplomacy, play acting and bizarre operating lines to accommodate the Japanese working with a strong minded female gaijin and for a while I thought nothing at all was going to happen. Now I have just learned to bow and nod and then do it the way I want to...

DEATH
I did my first mini team briefing today. I told people to be aware of people's emotions with Beef's death. I also told the team that David would not be working with us. I struggled to find words, I struggled to say he was dead, as if I was making it true by saying it out loud. My eyes stung as one girl started commenting, oblivious to emotion, and Alba saved me by moving things along.

Later at dinner, there was talk of how we are going to honour Beef but also move forward. I have to write a release for that but we all agreed the plans sounded nice. There was talk of how it was 12 years and one day from Possum, and of how to cope when things like this happen. And then it was said to me quietly, you know there will be a third. I looked blankly at the speaker, I am sure I saw tears but I couldn't see who. They said the name, and a hand reached around my heart and squeezed it. I am not ready for that death. But the speaker was right; I need to prepare. All I could say was "I'm not ready to think about that right now." But it's going to come. And only a very few people reading this will know who I mean. There is so much I want to say to him, and I need to write a letter and say it before it's too late. How do you even prepare to write a letter like that so it doesn't sound like "I am writing this because I know you are dying". How?

Later we talked of Paul's death and the lessons learned from it. It's small consolation but something to know that the sport is safer at local level from what was learned in Paul's accident. A motorsport death is tragic, but even more so if we don't learn from it.

LIGHTS ON THE HORIZON
I got some good news the other day. I have been asked to be involved in a new sporting event. I can't say any details at all but I am honoured to be asked and excited at new opportunities. I might be able to say in 10 days..

I was also asked to come back to Crisis over Christmas the other day. This made my day; it really did. There is a new Learning and Skills co-ordinator and they would like me to come and help some weeks before Christmas - look out Londoners! I am thrilled to be asked to come back and really make a difference. It will give meaning to a year which hasn't seen me do a lot of innovative work in my social care business.

BE A SPORT
It's weird this sport. Today I had a moment - and I can't pin down when it was - but I thought "I love this sport, I miss it, I want back". But later at dinner, I was feeling like an observer in the conversations. I felt like I didn't fit in. And I felt like I was very obviously a young woman. Don't call us dolls or babes. Socialising tonight left me feeling really empty...

BITE ME
I'm still getting bitten. One just got me now, whatever it is. Bastards. I'm off to drown in calomine lotion.

Sorry for the flat post.