Self diagnosis

Working in social care as my business does, you get pretty good at self diagnosis. Today, I can safely say I am nuts. Crazy Loopy. Loony. Odd. Deranged. Mental. Bizarre. A few tinnies short of a six-pack. I am allowed to use those terms because I am using them to describe myself, and I am after all semi-professional!

Today passed the nicest of days with AussieGirl's Finn. We went to an island, we ate ice cream, we fell asleep on the rocks, we stared at the sea. And then I go and ruin it by screaming down the phone at the Irishman.

What is wrong with me?

First of all, I have lost an understanding of reality. I realise - ooh realisation of problem, score one point! - that being with the Finn has left me more than battle scarred. A year of being the other woman, the hidden woman and always in the back seat, has left me with incredibly low self esteem. [A note for any other women being a man's secret lover; get out now while you still have some self respect.]

So now I don't know if I am sensitive and emotional or hysterical and demanding. Is it wrong to want and love and need those silly things like messages saying "good night" and "good morning", to know that someone is thinking of you. Or is that pathetic and needy?

I know a blog isn't the place most people want to read about these things, but move on to another post, this is my therapy. The Irishman has instructed me to calm down and not touch the gin, so writing, while somewhat difficult because my eyes are choked with salt, my hands are shaking like an old man's and I'm doing that uncontrollable breathing thing, is the best release.

My lovely Irishman, remember Juhannus weekend, the laughter and good-craziness? That's what I need. Unfortunately 24-7 or thereabouts. I told you I was not ready and I had baggage and I know you said you would be there for some of that baggage, but I think we underestimated just how much there was.

This is no one's fault. Just the situation. And so, what do we do with a girl who is so terrified to be be alone, and someone like you, unscratched by years of pain?

You have just sent me a text message to help me breathe and I know if I really needed you, you would be there. I just need to learn to cope when I don't really need you. And to know when those two times are.

ohhh crazy crazy crazy - do they have ECT in Finland?

Oh and for regular readers who like the happy happy island posts and not these rambles, welcome to my reality. The islands; they're to make up for moments like this.