Midnight determination

I've been married. I've been divorced. I've had four other adult relationships of around eighteen months and lived with two of those. Currently I am extremely single, which means that for various reasons, those relationships didn't work.

Am I scared of falling in love again? Am I scared of committment now? Am I scared of being hurt once more? No, no, no. Because no matter how many times I fall off the horse, I'll jump back on again. Because only a few people start a relationship being able to see its end, and so nearly everyone starts a relationship putting so much energy into it. Because, quite simply, the delicious pleasure of being in love is worth the risk of pain.

People think that because of this attitude, I am strong. That's not true. I am weak, emotional, impulsive, irresponsible and insecure. I am pathetically romantic and cuddly-toy like soft. I can be devastated, I can be destructive. I can be destroyed. But I am a believer, and a risk-taker. I believe in life and living it, not skirting around it, hoping it won't hurt me.

Even now, with my soul bruised and my self esteem in tatters, with the betrayal and lies ringing in my insecure ears that swallowed every in-love muttered half-truth, I will still swoon at the next man who offers me the same lines, the same path.

Because one day it might lead me somewhere.


"Come to the edge," He said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," He said.
They came.
He pushed them... and they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire