Finland Academy

You know those shows where they take people and try and turn them into a pop idol, beautiful model, better person, gay man etc... Life in Finland feels like that.

Iinitially you're in Relationship Academy, as the honeymoon is well and truly over once you get settled here. Every conversation feels like therapy and you berate yourself; "listen to the hoster's needs and not just talk about your own..." It's like having a tiny counsellor on your shoulder.

Then you have Career Academy. Must spend 12 hours a day looking for job. or must spend 12 hours a day working on business. Must must. Must be successful. Must have job. Must have money. Must have personal fulfilment. Must not be idle.

Then there's the Fat Academy where you feel compelled to do every exercise under the sun because 1) winter's over 2) you spend far more time at home 3) you'll meet friends. But instead of fun exercise it becomes regimental. Must swim. Must learn rugby. Must lose fat. Must not sit down. Must take stairs, must use bike. If idle, must be moving.

In addition there's The Financial Academy where you make all your savings last and find 101 creative things to do with corn and onions and kidney beans.

Of course there's Finland Academy where you must conjugate 10 verbs a day and expand your vocab by 30 words or remain talking to pot plants or people with the intellecual capacity of.

Then there's improving your social skills so you don't miss a single opportunity to meet friends. The whole cast of Queer Eye join in on this one. But the new friends you meet are either in Finland Academy too so you either combine "improve life" routines aka regiments, or they're in Therapy Academy permanently because they're really new, they have relationship problems etc.

And at the end of the day instead of Simon Cowell or snotty Tyra Banks, the worst judge is yourself asking snidely "did you do enough today? You could have gone swimming, you read a book and it wasn't Finnish for Foreigners, you went out for coffee but there's coffee in the house" etc etc. And worst of all, you can't get voted off the show.

I'm sure with time this wears off and you just end up in Finland Apathy but to encourage it a little I'm telling the Simon Cowell in me to f*ck off and I'm going to the zoo. I'll speak English all day to the bus drivers and makkara sellers etc and carry my Helsinki travel guide in my pocket and my camera round my neck. I'm turning my phone off, I'm not taking the stairs for exercise. And I just won't care.