Insomniac on insecurity

A million people, an address book full of friends but you want one to greet you like they're so happy to see you and a smile light their face, and their hug to linger.

You want someone not to say they will be there for your needs but to pre-empt them.

You want someone to show that they care, not tell you.

You want to feel like someone once you said: "you are a princess", lopsided crown and all, you are the sovereign that reigns in the heart of a few.

The people you hold dear, the ones who show you your importance, the places you are safe, they are miles away, you have discarded them for backpacking tales. And yet still they take every phone call, listen to your anecdotes, hear out your insecurities. They email you a thought, you grasp it like a flower in it's last moments of life. They post you portions of home with love inside your favourite chocolates, a book in English, a postcarded moment of beauty. They have put themselves in your shoes and given you a slice of what would make them sane. It is love unconditional.

You miss Walt's laugh and like-mindedness, Lyla's cooking and frank advice, Shelly's never ending warmth and cappucinos. You miss it so much that tears well just to think of it.

You progress, three steps forward, how many back? Every day a snakes and ladder board game. You tick off the list: abandonment, check; letting go, check; loss, insecurity, loneliness - must try harder. And then as each one falls off the list, another appears. You don't cry that someone left you, no - but a year of being a hidden woman, the other woman, a year of serving all your needs alone, a year of never coming first to the one you put above anything else has left you wanting people who will stand on roof tops and say, this is our princess.

In your state, you cannot fathom if that's a bad thing or not...