Above Helsinki, not in it.

We climb the Stadium tower and between cold ears I can see the city. The landmarks are a blur, months later, I will take the elevator again and notice that in the warmth, smell has returned and be able to point the direction to my house.

But now, it's some church spires amongst the sports pitches and a disbelief that you can really see Tallinn.

It is how I feel about Helsinki and Finland in general. The cold tells me I am here. The snow crunches underfoot so it's real even if it melts quickly. But I don't feel yet I am in it. There is much going on. My tour guide is as cold as the air around me and other events propel us to drop off points in the city so I can sightsee and he can take worn tape to the damaged edges of his life. It's a weird time to be here, and I try and offer friendship and strength to combat the rejection that greets me.

I get lost on the 3T and 3B trams, and months later, still do. It's a way to see Helsinki if nothing else. I am joyous when I recognise the Stadium Hostel again.

It's home, with noisy Italians, double glazing holding my juice, the laptop playing Kylie, "I believe in you".