Evolution and Zizazig Ah

The statistics show you come here in your droves when I am dragging my arse around the world, or when I am pouring out cringeworthy emotions and drying my nose on my heart-emblazoned sleeve. So in the absence of any arse-dragging here’s the latest guts and all confessional.

I am seeing someone. Or more precisely, and startlingly when said in black and white, I have a partner…

If that’s shocked you, it shocked me re-writing it.

It has been a bit of a whirlwind, but there comes a time – through the evolutionary process of dating and relationships - when you know what you want, the hard part is in the finding. For some reason, because I feel like this is too good to be true, and because I can hear people saying “hear we go again”, I feel the need to justify.

I moved to Finland to settle down. That episode over by the Sabbath, I moved on awkwardly, but on. Then there was the Irishman, a man who won my heart quickly, but truth be known, was not ready to carry the prize he had won. A silent time, until KebMaf… perhaps my soul mate. And now, a mere month on, and I am happy and dreaming of the weeks ahead with a new man.

So how can it be that I can find such quick contentment now… ?

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been “lying back thinking of Finland” lately… KebMaf does and always will own a part of my soul, that’s what happens when you fall in love with your best friend. But my new post-Finland attitude doesn’t accept years of waiting anymore (it did that for the Finn and look where it got me).

The situation in Ireland is a little more complex. We had talked, dreamed, even planned a little. Around what? I am not sure. Mutual admiration, he had said in a text message. Or was it mutant admiration?! Friends are quick to point out the chemistry between us, and I won’t deny it… but could I ever see us together? I had thought about it and I couldn’t. Not anyone’s fault but just one of those relationships that doesn’t exist half as well inside the constraints of an actual structured relationship. I know that he will read this. I know that this might be hard for him to read. It’s hard for me to write and I must confess I am a little choked up in doing so, and using this forum as a way of removing the emotion from the moment. I won’t dismiss the support I got from him in the trifecta of death in 2005, when he brought my soul back to life in Singapore airport, nor the lonely days and nights in London and Berlin. Nor will I forget the moments he brought my spirit back to life in Finland, reminding me that I was a woman, and how that was supposed to feel.

But with time, comes evolution, and if I take the good moments from the relationships of the last 12 months, I want them, I want them more and I want them permanently.

Cue, current man, a pseudonym for whom I have not yet created. Lets call him the BF now (he’s on this site in January as TickBox), and maybe I will get used to it…

The BF is offering something permanent. He’s got his heart on his sleeve as much as I have, and with a child and a marriage in his history, we come from the same starting point of needing honesty, knowing what we want and living for the moment.

We’re both nervous and excited… Getting two people together with the combination above can be frightening enough for bystanders, let alone us in it. “I want to see you again” no longer becomes an empty phrase but a time and a date fixed for as soon as possible. And I get text messages that say good morning and good night, usually twinned with the word beautiful or gorgeous. I have craved and missed that kind of attention. As the Spice Girls once badly sang, “tell me what you want, what you really really want”. I have known what I wanted for a year, and now I have someone to listen and keen to fulfill.

I’m thrilled. Zizazig Ah.